I Walked With Her Read online

  "Not yet, I got us dinner. Shower after."

  "Max, I am covered in sweat and I smell."

  "I know. I kind of like it. Rather manly. I do love when you return from your runs. Maybe I should switch robes." I shoot him a wink. He smirks at me in return. "Come on let's eat first. Please?" I take Ben’s hand and begin pulling him toward the den. He stops me.

  "I need to at least change? I am not eating with my clothes stuck to me."

  "You are welcome to my black robe. Seeing your bare ass around our home I would quite enjoy."

  "Now, who is attempting to be witty? I will get my own. Thanks for the offer though."

  As Ben walks ahead of me and glances in my room, I wait for what is to come next. And here it comes. I can mouth every word if needed imitating him behind his back.

  "Do you realize, not only is your bathroom twice the size, but so is your bedroom?”

  This is a point I have heard on more than one occasion. Many, many occasions to be exact. I follow him, rather than head for the kitchen. Time it appears, for me to reinforce the points I have so many times before. "Every day thank you. Do you recall we agreed to have it this way because work has you away weeks at a time? Besides, you got the whirlpool tub. That counts for double the square footage, in my book.”

  "Yes, however do you recall we split the rent exactly in half? Do not dare tell me, you do not use that tub when I am away at work. Lying does not suit you Max. I am well aware after all these years; how deceptive you can be."

  "We could solve this grievance you seem to have one way. You can use my very large, sweet smelling, hand lotion included bathroom anytime you wish and I will stop surprising you with random sexual favors."

  "I did not suggest that. Let’s not get carried away."

  Arriving at Ben’s room, I stop and stand. I lean on the open door. I watch him undress. I love watching anything Ben does. The sight of his hands alone, I find I need to catch my breath at times.

  Ben caught my eye at a very tender age. Eighteen. I was to say the least, innocent. As crazy as that may sound, we all do begin in such a way. Physically, he was everything I had ever imagined I wanted. This California boy, who attended school on the east coast. How did I find him? Somehow, we found one another. His long golden blonde hair reaches his chin. Very different from the mandatory cut required at the academy he attended when we met. He has not actually changed much at all. He is more refined. He too has lived is a simple way to describe him.

  Ben is six foot, physically fit and lean. He does not have some six-pack or is all buffed up. He is perfect in my eyes. His smile can light up a room. His skin, when I see him moments like this, it is damn near reflective. He has no hair on his chest. Touching him is a combination of soft, yet so strong. He is always tan. I would describe it as the lightest amber. His skin against the blue of his eyes, my God, he is still the same young man who made me swoon. The one who somehow looked back at the very lost young woman I once was. Technically, I still am.

  Now, regardless of all the physical traits I find so appealing, his heart is pure. He is gracious, comforting and simply peaceful. His heart is huge. I adore how he so foolishly loves, love. He is a romantic and sentimental. I am none of these things. For a period in life though, that was not always his way. I, myself never did lose sight of all his characteristics. I especially never did through his darkest days.

  Ben is an alcoholic. He began drinking at age fourteen. He is sober seven years now. That was a very difficult time in his life. It was in both our lives. Sobriety is a journey, not a destination. A road he travels every day. I admire his strength. I always admire his, "five minutes at a time" approach at life. I lack that capacity.

  He hid the extent of his drinking from me when we dated so very long ago. The time when he and I were "together". Together? I am not sure we were ever, truly together. I was with Ben. I am not sure Ben was with me. Ben said many things to me when we were young. Many things I question when I reflect.

  I was aware Ben drank. Everyone did at that age. I never understood though it was a true issue. That is until he was kicked out of school. The academy had a no tolerance policy. That is when I lost Ben. That is when I lost Ben the first time. I do not like to think of that time. We are here now.

  Anyway. I find Ben’s hands to be my favorite feature. From the first time he held my hand, twenty-one years ago their feeling will forever be etched in my mind. The site, the feel of them are forever embedded within me. I once believed the simple act of holding hands was the most tender display of affection. There was safety in it. I did not understand the deep loneliness within me. When Ben first held my hand, I finally felt something I had never before. It was beautiful yet it was a false. I felt like all of my life would one day be okay.

  I dream of his hands. Foolish, right? I dream of many things I dare not say aloud. I do find dreams silly. Dreams are not real. They are never a foresight into a future reality. Your mind escapes into dreams. One cannot control any environment within them. Our subconscious minds are too free flowing. I do see some truth in the belief our dreams may reflect our true desires. In my truth, I must possess control. Yes, you will hear me reference control often. Control is survival. Survival is necessary. I have no control over my dreams. Therefore, I do not believe dreams do come true. Sorry Walt, Disney I am not. Twisted. Truly.

  I continue to watch and then speak the truth. Our truth.

  "When are you going to realize we have the best of every world? We are the best of friends. I would go so far as to say the dearest, closest friends possible. We have added benefits. Frankly, phenomenal sex whenever either one of us wishes. We love each other probably more than most "couples" do. Above it all, we truly respect one another. Think about what we have seen one another through! Then there is... hello? The plus side! You to still can see, date, fuck, fall in love with whoever you want, whenever want. We do not get jealous. After all these years, we still have days we talk through the night. We spend time separately or we sit with a movie and laugh our asses off. We certainly have different interests. You sure as hell will not catch me running seven to eight miles a day! That would be some cold day in hell. You, my friend love nature and well, I am the city girl. Ben! We complement one another. You are my very best friend. I don't think most people understand that concept anymore.”

  Ben is now naked. Though I have seen and held him a thousand times this way before, it still always makes me stop. I can't help myself. “Alright, I could not agree with you more about what you said to me earlier. I feel the same. I do not tire of the sight of you naked. Why don’t you leave the robe off?”

  I get a frustrated look from Ben, as he raises his head with his eyes only.

  "If I leave the robe off, I'm showering. Choose?"

  "Fine, robe on. Let's eat. Anyway, you’re going to need the energy."

  With that last sentence I walk away and head for the kitchen. If I do not move quickly I will attack him. I am torn. I am hungry now, for two very different things. Damn, perhaps I should have put on the black robe. Thank God, Ben is following right behind me though not without questions, as usual.

  "Where are we eating? Wait... What are we eating?"

  “Couch and sushi. You sit and I will grab dinner.”

  "Sushi. Oh, your favorite. Nice choice. This should fill me up for about... fifteen minutes or so."

  "Once again, the sarcasm returns. I went out of my way to get this. It is from the place downtown. And you love sushi. Don't be a dick."

  "I'm kidding. Thank you. I appreciate it very much. As for what you said earlier. Seriously for a moment. Max it goes without saying, how much I love what we have. You do know that don't you?"

  "I do. Though sometimes, it seems you need reminding."

  Ben sits on the couch and puts his legs up on the coffee table as I fill our plates. I overflow each with our favorite rolls and then head back to the den myself. I give Ben his plate, before I sit and snuggle in the corner spot of our sectional. Holding
my plate with one hand I try to cover my legs with my robe. I pull them against my chest before beginning to eat.

  "Okay come on, admit it. This is so good! I honestly could eat sushi every day and be content. So how long is this excursion tomorrow? Anyone famous? Come on, I won’t tell.”

  "Not too long. Two and a half weeks. I have no idea if anyone famous. I won’t have their bios until tomorrow. Only absolute is the same as usual. Wealthy, demanding and rude. You are right this is excellent. Honestly, thank you for picking it up. I do need to hurry up and shower after this. I have to hit a meeting tonight. You will be around after? All joking aside, these are the night's I most look forward to with you."

  "I love when you get sentimental. Yes, I will most definitely be home when you get back, Captain."

  "Oh Lord! You only call me "Captain", when you are up to something. Spill it Max."

  "Stop it! Spill what? What are you taking about? I'm always around nights before you leave. Maybe I do have a small surprise for you. It's really nothing. Finish your dinner, Captain." I wink at Ben as I say it again.

  "Coming from you Max, a surprise can be slightly intimidating. You are a woman of few boundaries. What kind of surprise? Are you finally going to let me tie you up?"

  "This is really, really, good sushi. This is so delicious! Especially the way they made the spicy tuna really have that extra kick. I mean it's surprising with the mango on top? Outstanding. Truly. So good! Really sweet and savory. Don’t you agree?"

  "You’re evading my question."

  "Completely. I am going to finish my dinner first.”

  "Control freak."

  I do laugh aloud; despite the mouthful of food I’ve placed in it. I quickly swallow it. “Yes. Yes, I am. Also, my sweet, sweet Ben, do not go getting carried away. No one ties me up. The thought alone is amusing that you would think for even a moment much less ask such. That’s brilliant.”

  "Alright you finish your dinner. I know you though; you are dying to tell me. Though let us get something cleared up Mackenzie Ann Manale. Do not discount me. One day I am going to tie you up. Not only will you give in one day, you will ask for me to do it again and again.”

  “Sure Ben. I will let you believe that. It really is so cute of you. Tie me up? You keep coming back to this one thing Captain. Are you looking to challenge my addiction? Have the dominant be the submissive? I do admire your determination. Truly I do. Persistence sometimes is everything. I can assure you with the utmost certainty It will not be tonight.”

  “Well we both know we can go on like this for a while. I am not going any further. Where is the remote? I want to put the news on."

  "It is between the cushions next to you. You realize how depressing the news is?"

  “There is not much you do not find depressing Ms. Manale. Your brain automatically sways in that direction. I see it as a responsibility to be aware and educated in what goes on around us. To stay present in all moments. There is a world outside of San Francisco Max.”

  “Yes, a depressing one. Ever hear the line, 'no news is good news?'. Well that is the kind of news I prefer. Go ahead watch the global news. Screw this local news if you want to stay present. Go watch that. It will take that sweet taste right out of your mouth. Leave you only with savory and not in a good way. You can mock me all you want. Truth is, I am a mere piece of sand in existence. Unfortunately, or fortunately considering we can't deny who I really am. Anyway, I am not traveling the world on a mission. I cannot eliminate poverty, or the problems with our economy, save the ozone layer or grant peace in the Middle East. I can't stop terrorism, or judgement or even have an educated debate anymore without people taking shit personal. Everywhere sucks Ben. Those are only a few among the millions of the things wrong around us. Hell, I have enough trouble simply surviving myself...Feeling more helpless no thank you! Without true personal action, which I myself admit I do not partake, it is all plain depressing. Enough said.”

  “You are piece of work Max. You certainly never need to be depressed there may be anyone else like you. The mold certainly broke with you.”

  I raise my water bottle. “Thank the good Lord for that!”

  We both finish eating. All while listening to the true depravity in this world. It is sad. If only, the news consisted of as much positive as it did negative. Network media, not social, social is plain bullshit, network media headlines are all about what is wrong in this world. Tragedy. Conflict. Where is the good stuff? There are many wonderful things that happen and exist. Now that should be our news. Lift us all up once in a while. Positive news, people. Wouldn't hurt us. Why not? Damned if I can make sense of it all.

  I stand and reach for Ben’s plate. “More?”

  "No. I’m good. For now, that is. Give me about an hour and I will most likely feel differently." Ben gets up as he clicks the television off. I simply watch him.

  “Now if it's alright with you I'm going to go to my own bathroom and take that shower so I can make my meeting? The free flowing two weeks of alcohol binging I shall be surrounded by, you know it is a must."

  I am up quick. "Wait. Give me two more minutes. Don’t you want to know what my surprise is?"

  “Oooohhh, you are ready to share? That, I will stay another moment for. Let us see what the woman of the hour has concocted in that twisted little head of hers.”

  I put my dish down on the coffee table. Ben will not be standing for this. I need him first. I push him back down on the couch. Hhmm, perhaps this may take more than two minutes. "Do you remember the make-up artist I mentioned to you? The one who did my make up for that black tie art gallery opening? You know the time I went to with that bitch Genève?"

  "How could I forget? You went on about her for days. Let me see if I can recall. She was tall, hot, jet black hair, huge brown eyes, with a full tattoo sleeve. She smelled incredible and made you squirm how close she stood as she did your eyes. Your eyes did look amazing that night Max."

  I straddle Ben. His eyes widen as a smile crosses his face. I am going to have him. Always my time more than his. Always exactly when I desire, I take. He has never once objected. I have an insatiable appetite. With Ben it is not solely about being fucked, it is more with him. I am not certain how to describe it; it simply is. It is so different for me. With others, my appetite solely rests in satisfying my need for control and pleasure. Yes, there is that word control again. My obsession. My addiction. Learn it, need it, breathe it.

  Ben never needs to ask first. I usually always beat him to any desires that arise in either of us. This is our way. Right now I need him to know what my twisted little mind has concocted. I almost need to see his reaction before moving forward. I can always change my mind. I am the one in control. Who are we kidding? He has wanted this forever. I just happen to have finally found my girl crush. Willing and available, no less.

  "Yes, that would be the one." I kiss his neck barely touching him with my lips, but rather grazing as I continue.

  "What are you up to Max? I see the devil in your eyes."

  I whisper and kiss Ben’s ear. "You will make your meeting. I promise. This won't take too long." I completely pull open his robe. Move down his chest and continue to tease him with small kisses that caress his bare skin as I finish my news. “Well, I went to MAC hoping to see her today. I hoped I would casually run into her. Go see if she still aroused my curiosity. As you know she truly sparked quite a bit the first time. Figured I would pick up some makeup, make a little conversation." I kiss his lips and gently bite him before I let go. I feel him grow hotter, hard between my legs. His arousal always draws an animal within me I find increasingly difficult to tame.

  Ben drops his head back. With his neck exposed I consume every inch of it. Ben lives under my skin and in the depths of my mind. Touching him invades my very soul. All these things he shall never know.

  "Seems I caught her heading out for her break. Go figure? So naturally, I ask her if she would care to grab a cup of coffee. Which she accepted. Funny thing I l
earned about Lindsay."

  “Lindsay. Finally, a name to go with your little obsession.”

  “Yes. Her name is Lindsay.”

  I pause for a moment needing to kiss Ben deeper. Controlling my own lust is taking a tremendous amount of effort at the moment. I never feel this for anyone other than him. Ben grabs my hair as we kiss squeezing it back tight. The seduction in how I let him pull at me, I am uncertain I even care to tell him first any longer. No. I need him now. Oh thank God he speaks before I wander off more. Sexual ADD, I often wonder if I have.

  "And what did you learn?”

  And... I am back to me. I undo my robe and toss it on the floor. I am the one in full control. I need him more than I will ever admit. I am taking him first. The very idea of the surprise I am presenting before him only arouses me more. Regardless, of how I feel about the act itself. I do find it is cliché. I shall deal with that game later. Right now, this is he and I. These next few bits of information I am going to include solely as foreplay. Oh, By the way, mind-play is basically foreplay in my book.

  “I learned... Lindsay not only enjoyed my company, but had tried to get my number from the appointment book after meeting. Unfortunately, the day we met was gone by the time she checked. Today she was rather happy to see me."

  Ben looks directly into my eyes seemingly intrigued. "How lovely for you. You seeking to again venture to the other side?"

  I move up and down. Holding him as I glide him inside of me. Everyone else I use. Ben. This. God this. Right now I feel. I feel it all. Ben is all of me. Ben I enjoy. Ben. Ben penetrates every part of me. Most of all, my soul.

  I kiss him deep, feeling him within me. Exploring every touch, every movement with him. Ben explores my mouth with his delectable tongue. He wraps one arm around my lower back. His other hand steady on my neck. We both move with one another. We know this dance well.

  I rock harder as Ben pulls me closer. I somehow find the breath to continue what needs to be said. He is all mine right now no matter what I want to finish saying. My pulse quickens. Go I love how he feels.